What’s wrong honey?
That’s what my husband asked when he walked through the door from work this morning. I had just finished making french toast for the baby’s breakfast and thought I was done crying for the day. When I heard his voice it all came flooding back though. Last Tuesday I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had miscalculated the days though and had taken it WAY too early. It came out negative. ”Bummer!” I thought. I was ok with it though. I started thinking again about much easier just raising one child would be anyway. I could probably afford to take her to Europe. I had been able to meet my husband there when he was on leave from Iraq and hoped I could bring my children some day. I could home school her. I had even started reading about unschooling as an option. With just one it would be easier to give her individual attention and attend to her needs 100%. We have been a little tighter than normal financially as well. So, I had even told my husband if we didn’t get pregnant this month we could stop trying. I didn’t want him to worry about the additional burden of another mouth to feed. I knew in the back of my mind what was really going on though. I was preparing myself for disappointment; putting up the walls that would shield me from tears when my period finally arrived Sunday. The thing is, my period DIDN’T finally arrive Sunday. So, I took another pregnancy test expecting to see just the one line again.
But there it was! ANOTHER line. A faint line, but still A LIIINNNE!!! Granted, last time the “pregnant” line was a bit darker. So, I waited the full 3 minutes to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating the dang thing there. The line remained though. I set the test down, walked out of the bathroom and came back. STILL a line. I wasn’t crazy. A baby! A baby was growing inside me.
I went through such a range of emotions. Fear. Fear that my husband would be stressed (even though we were trying). Fear of the nausea I had last time. Fear of labor and delivery. Fear that we couldn’t afford to do a doula and midwife the way I want to this time. Then came the elation. Oh, the joy I felt. I whispered to my sleeping baby next to me about how excited I was to give her a sibling. After all, so many people I’d talked to who were the only child wanted big families because they didn’t want their children to miss out on having a sibling the way they had. They had “always wished for a brother or sister.” I even took out the journal I have to write little letters to her and wrote down how excited I was.
Now, how was I going to tell my husband and when? I wanted to think of something cute. I thought I’d go ahead and give it a couple of days, just in case, and then surprise, him. I wanted to bake him cupcakes and use them to tell the news. I went to the store after he left for work yesterday and bought everything I needed for the happy treat. I’d bake them this morning really early so the house would smell yummy.
I wondered if I took another pregnancy test if the line would be a bit darker by now. So, before I went to bed I took another test. Wait. Where was the line? That magical line. It takes up to 3 minutes to show up silly! That’s what I told myself and set the test down so I could pull up my pants. Spotting? Wait, was I bleeding?
This time there was no second line to be happy about. This morning I was having my normal period. Just almost 4 days late. All I could do was cry. I tried to tell myself it was dumb. We just got lucky on our first time the last time around. It’s perfectly normal for things to take a while. Look at this beautiful baby laying next to me. How lucky was I to have her?! SO lucky! What a spoiled brat way to react. Wasn’t I kind of expecting this?
I think the biggest kick was the positive test. If I had never gotten those positive results I wouldn’t have completely torn down the protective walls I had built up for myself. I could have at least buffered the blow. Now all I can think of is trying again.
I got out of the house after my face de-puffed a bit. I was trying to figure out if “Calrose” rice meant medium grain when I was at Costco. I only had one close girlfriend who I thought would know. So, I gave her a call. She helped me figure things out and then told me her news. She had taken a test yesterday. She was pregnant. I got my rice, put the baby in her seat and tried not to start crying again. I’m not jealous of my friend. I am SOOO happy for her. Now I’m hoping things work out next month so I can be her pregnancy buddy. 
A little rainbow. Very appropriate because the sky had just clouded over. I felt good for the shade in this Las Vegas heat. It’s ok if my parade gets rained on this month I guess. I know I’ll come out of the rain feeling new and ready to try again. My friend will be the rainbow I’m looking forward to. Yay for my friend.
[...] your toenails are painted, the earrings you wear, the pads or tampons you buy for your (welcome or UNwelcome.. eh hem ) period… these are choices YOU make because you have a personal preference. [...]